#2. Truth, Worries, Guilt & Excitement

Here we go. We are thrilled to be having baby #2. I can't believe in a few short weeks Avery will be here. Presley will be a big sister and life will take another crazy spin of being the parents of two precious little girls.

I have to say though. I am scared. I am worried and I feel incredibly guilty. (let me share what I mean more detailed)

The truth is I have flurry of mixed emotions. I will start with bonding. I didn't "bond" with Presley while I carried her very much. Not for a lack of trying, but for some reason I didn't have those crazy overwhelming bond until I held her for the first time. I did notice her schedule and the things she responded to in utero. I hear this is common, but I was hoping to have more of a bonding experience with baby #2 in utero. And I am just not. I know she is there, she is definitely sharing her personality and I notice it's much different than her sister's. Maybe this is my way of bonding. But that strong emotional connection just isn't there yet. I don't have a huge hang up on this- as I know when I hold her it will happen. I'm not an incredibly emotional person to begin with. (somewhat, but not a ton) But just throwing all this out there. I still have those nervous feelings like I did before Presley.

I have a horrible sense of guilt right now. I love Presley more than anything in the entire world. I'm scared to death that there is no way I could love anyone else as much! My logical brain says...fear not- you have infinite love available for your children. As do all the other mama's in my life...they say don't worry. But they mostly admit to feeling this same way- but reassuring me my heart will overflow again, the same way it did when Presley was born.

I also feel so guilty for having another baby and taking my attention away from Presley. She is so young, she has no clue what is about to happen. We tell her a bit about it, but she really doesn't get it. She is our WHOLE world. The sun rises and sets around her. We wouldn't have it any other way. (Of course I mean this in a practical way- she has a bed time and she doesn't always get her way..but you get it) Soon everything will change. She will have to share our attention, her needs/wants might be momentarily delayed. My hours in a day are limited and she won't have every single one available to just her. I know as I type it - it sounds a bit ridiculous, but she is still a small child not even 18 months. She deserves to have everything the way it currently is. But she also deserves to be a big sister and  she is going to be fine...We will be able to balance her needs and show her our love. But I worry....I feel bad. It will be the responsibility of Matt and I to ensure we involve her in being a big sister and that we devote special time to each little girl in our life so they can always feel special. I just "gulp" at it- I want to do it well. This is going to be such a shock to Presley, one day everything will be about her, the next....she will be a sister and a baby will come home with us who has needs around the clock.

So that's where I am right now. I am able to place all my irrational fears and worries in a place in my head that says....don't worry. It will be fine. But I can't get rid of them...they linger there. Almost as a warning to me to stay on top of it- make sure to do a good job of introducing this change to Presley and balancing caring for both of them.

Oh and one other thing.......I am so not prepared for Avery's arrival. No nesting has kicked in- Will it?. My house is not cleaned. There is a plan in place for room re-arrangement and moving Presley to a twin bed. But I haven't been even able to pick out bedding for her. I want something special, but nothing seems right. (Really, I need to get a grip. She needs a blanket, sheets and a pillow :-)- But it seems so much "bigger" than that :-) Alas, we are moving in that direction. Hubby received his official "honey-do" like in the next week or two list. Which will allow me to start doing what I need to do to get ready...ahhh.